You Got This: No Need to Fake the Funk

"Becoming a mom was the happiest moment of my life."  “I knew when I looked into my baby’s eyes, that I was destined to be a mom.“  Yada yada yada [insert any other wonderful quote here].

Does anyone else ever feel PRESSURED to say this stuff when people ask how it felt becoming a mother? I always get weird looks when I say "I don't like kids," "Motherhood is hard as shit,", " I prefer play dates with wine," or "I miss my freedom."  And, to be honest, my entry into motherhood was dramatic, painful, draining, and character building. And the first time I looked into my child’s eyes, I thought he was blind, because I had no idea they put all this Vaseline (or ointment) over a baby’s eyes. LOL. Yes, I was terrified.

Expectations of new mothers are HIGH, like Burj Khalifa high. New mothers are expected to feel like they are floating on Cloud 9 or in a wonderful paradise. In reality, a new mother may feel out of place if she has mixed feelings about her new role, if she is scared, or if she is having a “What have I done?” moment. When in fact, it is typical for a new mother to have a variety of feelings.  

Do I love my child? Yup, more than anything. Am I any less of a mother because I feel my child is not the center of my universe? Nope.  Are most of my days as a mom filled with challenges that just aren’t fair? Yup. (Yes, I just pulled the “Life isn’t fair” card.) Does it mean that I care about my child or take care of him any less than any other mom? Nope. Do I still believe he’s the most awesome human? Of course!  (Well, most of the time.) So, can we stop giving moms the “look” when they share their journey of becoming a mother, and that experience was anything other than a garden full of roses?

One of our early hospital admissions

We need to expand our minds when we think about new mothers and mothers generally - and not have expectations of THEIR feelings about becoming and being a mom.  Becoming a mother may be described in a million trillion ways. Let’s not create “appropriate” descriptions. All mothers were people before becoming a mom and like everyone else, mothers bring their own sh*t into this journey. And, lets be honest, naturally having a 100% healthy baby is a true blessing, but it is only one type of birth story.  

I admit, motherhood is cool. I am forever grateful for the experience and do not take it for granted. However it’s always been really important for me to maintain my individuality and identity – even while dealing with all the uncertainty that comes with raising a medically fragile child. I love being a wife (seventy-five percent of the time). I love achieving goals. I love dancing on tables. And at times, those things seem more appealing than being a mom. Does that make me less of a mom? Nope.  I am more than just a mom. I am a woman, a wife, a lawyer, a sister, a goofball, an occasional drinker, a daughter, a good ass friend, a speaker, and so much more. Most importantly, I am a person with unique feelings and experiences.

Every woman's journey is different.  Every new mother's experience is different.  Allow mothers to feel the broad range of emotions that occur after becoming a mom.  We know that it is a difficult transition and some mothers battled (and still battle) with identity issues, postpartum depression, and mommy guilt.  As the mother of a medically fragile kiddo, my first days (actually years) were consumed (and still consumed) with thoughts of quality of life, survival, medical bills, and appropriate medical care.  I was not consumed with overwhelming feelings of happiness or fulfillment. I was not on a high. In fact, I felt like I had been hit by a bus (or steamroller) with no one to talk to or share the experience with.  Anyone ever been run over with a steam roller?

Let mommies receive their motherhood experience the way their soul requires.  There is nothing worst than someone telling you how to feel. Please allow people to be the best mommies they can be in the way that feels most comfortable to them.

Do you struggle with your feelings about motherhood?  Send me an email or leave a comment. Let’s chat.

Source for discussion: mixed feelings about motherhood  I liked this article because it addressed the need for and importance of “real” discussions about motherhood. The article was published in 2002, yet I’m amazed at how relevant and on point it remains. The discussions should continue until it is no longer taboo to have “mixed feelings about motherhood.”