See You at the Crossroads - Should & Must
Sacrifice is defined as “to give up (one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value.” The book The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by Elle Luna provides lots of tidbits and it is colorful. Along with loving a book with curse words, I love a colorful book.
I enjoyed the book. For me, the primary takeaways are CHOICE & SACRIFICE. The main premise is the choice between what one Should do and what one Must do. And both Should and Must require a type of sacrifice and a choice. Must not as an external requirement but Must as in an internal calling. A sacrifice between “your Must – the part of you that has strong urges, convictions, intuition, and feelings …[and] Should – the part of you that chooses to live your life in ways that are not congruent with your personal truth.”
Must sounds sexy. It sounds destined. It sounds like a bigger plan. Perhaps it is. But it requires sacrifice and it is no walk in the park. It is hard work to do what one Must do. Similarly, it is likely hard work to do what one Should do. Generally, the Should is more widely accepted and more widely considered the proper path. Therein lies the crossroads – Should or Must.
I think people should do what they want to do and what they need to do. Responsibilities first. Knowing that, for me, as I push towards my Must it has taken years (more than a decade), because of a number of things – finances, medically fragile child, trauma, laziness, comfort, and healing. Along my path of Must, I have chosen to engage in Should (many Shoulds) – and I am not ashamed at all. That Should kept a roof over my head and food on my plate.
For me though, the Must has never disappeared. It is still very much a viable and brightly lit path – it is my yellow brick road. Elle Luna states that “[c]hoosing Must is the greatest thing we can do with our lives.” I do agree. However, we need to recognize that there is not only sacrifice involved, but also a privilege to be able choose to make that sacrifice. Have you ever felt that your Must is that you should drop out of law school and pursue a medical degree? I did. My mom did not shut me down, but she asked a simple question, “How do you intend to pay for all of this?” Amazing question. I was not willing to make that sacrifice and I had no privilege to help make the sacrifice less burdensome. I made a choice to stay in law school, a choice to Should. Strangely enough the medical theme has continued in my life through my son and volunteering at the hospital – so perhaps in some ways, we never really escape our Must.
The author discussed several things that get in the way of Must: (1) time, (2) space, (3) vulnerability and (4) money. Let’s break it down.
Time slips through your fingers quickly. People make time for what they want – that is human nature. We have all seen the Instagram post – there’s no time for 1 hour of cardio but plenty of time for 1 hour of scrolling social media. I repeat, people make time for what they want to do. The problem is people poorly define what they want and then misuse time. My solution is to write out your goals, your Must and break into little steps and do something each day or each time you have allocated to work on that thing.
“Must needs solitude.” I could not agree more. The solitude is the space. Space is necessary to think and to envision. In fact, I always say I am not alone when I am in solitude. That is the one time I can hear my brain talking to me and all the ideas in my head get together and merge into something solid. Solitude is when I feel the most in tune with myself. It was not always this way. For years, I could not stand to be home alone, not doing something or not going out. Alone time meant torture and being tortured was me being alone with my thoughts. Then I challenged myself to refocus that fear and anxiety and now solitude is my sanctuary and provides me the space I need to travel the Must path.
Vulnerability. This is a big one. It is defined as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” People in society already have a difficult time showing vulnerability in known situations. The fear of showing vulnerability is amplified as you pursue the Must, the path unknown, where “nothing is guaranteed, nothing is known, and everything is possible.” Mediate on that. Everything is possible. When I feel vulnerable, I think about all the possibilities that I can choose to pursue. That is freeing. The most freeing feeling ever. Also, everyone fails, everyone has been vulnerable – it is a part of life and there is no time like the present to exercise that muscle. Speaking from experience, the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the easier it gets. It allows me to be authentically me. No pretense. Just me. The author suggests writing out your fears. I agree but let’s be realistic with the fears. If the fear is something extremely dangerous, perhaps reconsider the path. But I guarantee you, like most myths, fears can be debunked.
Lastly, we have money. The author differentiates between “must have money” and “nice to have money.” If I am being honest, I fall in the nice to have money category, which probably contributes to my decade long journey. But it is your life and you can play your money how you want. It is more important to know that it is YOUR choice. It is your choice to decide how you spend your money. There are none currency type items that can enrich your life. Food for thought – if you increased those things, such as mediating, writing a note, walking along your favorite hike – would the importance of a specific currency amount decrease? On your journey reevaluating your definition of rich will help discover and define your relationship with money.
The book is a good thought provoking read and will help you begin to think about your path, your goals, and your personal crossroads. I’ll leave you with my favorite quotes from the book:
The path to Must is a path we create. It begins in pathlessness, nothingness, emptiness – a tabula rasa. As Aristotle called it.
If you see your path laid out in front of you step by step you know it’s not your path…your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.
“We arrive at this crossroads over and over again, and every day, we get to choose.”
~Elle Luna
Your life is your own. You define your passion. You define it on your time and on your own terms. The crossroad will always be there, and, in my opinion, there is no right or wrong direction – MUST or SHOULD – do what you choose to do. Stay in control. I don’t care what you do, but I can guarantee standing in the crossroads, may get you hit. Decide and live your life.
~Constance Dionne