Shameless Choices
Recently, someone asked me an age-old question, “How do I prioritize work without making it the center of my life?”
Should I prioritize - Career vs Life. Career vs Parenthood. Career vs Exercise. Career vs Romantic Relationships. Career vs Wellness. Career vs Travel. Career vs Sleep. Career vs. Happiness. Career vs Everything. Career vs Anything.
Career. Career. Career. Career. Or not? The good news is it is totally up to you. The bad news is that it may take a mind shift to reject work/life balance, reject being a pleaser, embrace your right to choose what is important to you at any given moment, and embrace your right to change your mind. And news flash, in my opinion, prioritizing is not the proper term.
The question was based on “I’ve Picked my Job Over My Kids,” a New York Times Opinion piece. The author is a lawyer and, at times, probably often, chooses the needs of her clients over her kids. She states, “Like many women, I often prioritize my job…I prioritize my work because I’m ambitious and because I believe it’s important. If I didn’t write and teach and litigate, a part of me would feel empty.”
I get it. I respect it. Her career is a part of her; thus, it is important. Alternatively, she states she “sometimes feel[s] doubt, shame and fear.” Me too, and I do not need a job to feel that way. Those are normal feelings that occur throughout life, but, more prevalent when one is not solidly confident and grounded in your choices. However, I get it, her prioritizing her job makes her feel that way.
The article likely represents how more than 75% of working mothers who would describe themselves as ambitious feel at times. My career has taken me away from my family and made me an awful class mom. (Honest moment: Actually, I have no desire to be a class mom, do not participate, and do not feel bad about it. Judge away). The point is my career drives a lot of my decisions, that was true when I was a practicing lawyer, true as a manager in a technology company and even more true as I decide to focus on additional side hustles that invigorate me. I expect that my quest to climb Mt. Rainier for charity in June 2020 will become a decision driver as well. However, I would not say I prioritize those things over my family, my relationships, my well being or anything. I think my career is important, so I make choices to grow it. Likewise, my medically fragile kid is important (and cute), so I make choices to ensure his safety and care. You get the point. Those important items represent my values.
Step #1. Words matter.
Prioritize is defined as “treating something as more important than other things.” Let’s change the narrative. By saying we are prioritizing career over other things such as life, wellness, relationship or fun moments is insinuating that career is more important than those things. Prioritization is inadvertently defining your values. I do not think that is the intent. If you are asking yourself how to prioritize your career, the issue you are likely dealing with is how to accept that your career is important to and valued by you and how that makes you feel. Important is defined as “of great significance or value.” Value is defined as one’s judgement of what is important in life. Prioritization is irrelevant in this analysis.
Mid dance or mid twerk? That is the question.
By feeling like your career is important to you does not mean that you have stacked ranked it above other important things. That would be prioritization. Stating your career is important to you simply accepts that your career is important, that it is valued – just as family, friends, happiness, and sleep are also important and valued. Feel free to add more to your important list. But you get the point. It is ok to value your career and think that your career is important. There is no shame in that. Similarly, I have no shame twerking in the middle of the street.
Step #2: You Decide. You have a Choice.
Now that you have accepted that you value your career, as with other important things you value, you must make choices as to what you can do in a day, week, month, or year. That sounds like a daunting task. Choice is defined as “an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.” Someone in the back is saying – making a choice is choosing to prioritize something. I disagree. Making a choice is choosing between two or more important tasks without treating either as more important. The tasks are defined as important and valued by you, not by the word prioritization. Again, words matter.
Step #3: Release the Guilt.
Since, we are now choosing to pursue, at varying times, what is important to us, release the guilt. There is no reason to feel guilty for doing what is important to YOU or for doing what you want to do. Period. If you need something feel guilty about – think about that plastic water bottle you used at the gym last week when you know our environment is crumbling. 😊
Step #4. Make the Choices.
I get it, there are so many things that you are important you and how can you ever decide. I truly believe you can experience everything you desire just not all at the same time. I reject the idea of work life balance. Work and life are not separate they are all part of life. And life rules – so you fit in work, not life. How do I make choices about which important things to pursue, at any given moment? How do I give attention to things I value? Well, not all at the same time, but I have a method to help me focus on those things I value or those things important to me. It’s the Choices Vision Board. The steps require a yearly, monthly and weekly exercise. But totally worth it. All you need is paper, stick on white board, dry erase markers and a planner, and perhaps your electronic calendar (outlook or otherwise). Check out the Choices Vision Board process in the free downloadable worksheet at the end of the post.
Conclusions
Yes, the process works! I constantly get asked, “how I find time to do xyz?” I find time because I have already chosen for the year the things that are important to me, so I act accordingly when an opportunity presents itself. Sure, there are plenty of things not on my list this year. For example, creating a new wardrobe. So, most of the time, unless I want to be off focus (which is fine, my choice) I spend little to no time shopping or browsing online. It’s not important to me this year. This is when we think about prioritization. AFTER we have defined what we value and what is important. Then everything not valued or important is not prioritized. We are intentionally and inherently treating those things as less important. That is different than prioritizing between things you value or are important to you such as Career vs Life. Career vs Parenthood. Career vs Exercise. Career vs Romantic Relationships. Career vs Wellness. Career vs Anything you value. Career vs anything you deem important. I think you get the point. The practice is not to prioritize and inadvertently rank items in your life but instead make conscious decisions about your values and what is important to you and make intentional choices about how to do all of what you choose to do.
Control your narrative. Decide what is important to you and make your choices.
Change your language. Do not use language that inherently makes preferences, analysis, and assumptions about the most important and valuable things in your life. It causes guilt and stress.
Shift your mindset. There is not such thing as work life balance. There is only life. Make your life matter to you by doing what is important to you, guilt free.
Remember you have a list of important things – those things remain important even if not given much attention. It’s simply a temporary choice. Prioritization is making a value determination for you between things you value or things important to you. Choice is choosing how to use your time between several wonderfully important choices. Lastly, when it comes to kids, family, friends, and relationships the good ones and the true ones will respect and value your choices.
Question: How do I prioritize work without making it the center of my life?
Answer: Work is important to you not a priority over your life (or in the case of the article, your kids). And you may choose to make it the center of your life or you may choose not to – that is the beauty of free will. Doing so, does not decrease the importance of the other things in your life. You may miss out on events, you may be gone at times, and it may be difficult. Plan it out stay focused and release the emotional weight of being a person who believes a career is important. Instead, own you kick ass career and know you are making good choices and the choices you want to make.
~Constance Dionne